Unleashing My Inner Awesome

My "journey" through health, fitness and life in general

Archive for the tag “healthy”

How far have *I* come then??!!

Yesterday I helped a friend train another friend. It was an “introduction to Crossfit” session, and I was there as unofficial photographer. About halfway through the session tyre flips were involved, and second friend said “I want to see *HER* do them!” at me.

Without even giving the matter a second thought I grabbed the tyre and started flipping. Down the course and back. Skinny jeans, light coloured shirt and all. Because I could. And yes, I went all Little Ms Competitive on the way back and beat my out time by two seconds thankyouverymuch.

So last night I was reflecting on who I am now and who I used to be. My wedding day was the most amazing day of my life. And thanks to a kick-arse photographer, an amazing dressmaker. copious quantities of boning, and the most awesome hair and makeup artist ever, I looked as good as I could have. I look back at my photos and love them, despite the saggy arms, rolls of back fat and big tummy. I still think I looked good, but I looked good for a fat chick.

The difference between then-me and now-me amazes even me! I still have a bit of pudge that I need to get rid of. But it’s not even the weight and size loss, it’s the fact that I was throwing tyres around in the park, and I didn’t even consider not doing it! When my friend called me out on it I just did it. No questioning whether I was capable (I knew I was), no second guessing, it just happened. And relatively easily as well.

I am beginning to love me. And from where I was, that’s a massive step in the right direction.

Where do I go from here?

I’ve been struggling lately with my food and exercise. I’m starting to overcome the exercise thing by attending more group activities. After saying last round I was going to cut back, I’ve realised it’s in my best interest to have a commitment to someone. Otherwise I just don’t do it.

So on the nutrition thing, I’ve been self sabotaging in a major way. McDonalds, alcohol, ice-cream etc. I know what I need to do, I know I just need to shut up and do it, but there’s a little voice in my head which has turned into an overwhelming roar that says “it doesn’t matter. You can have the <insert vice here> if you want”.

Today I’ve done some serious reflection on why it’s happening. And here’s what I think it is. Warning: this next part may induce hysterical laughter at just how messed up my thinking is…

Physically I’m smaller than I’ve ever been. I’m a size 12. By all measurements except my BMI I’m a healthy size. My body fat is in the normal range, my waist measurement is under 80cm, and while my BMI is over 25 it’s only 25.5. So realistically I could stop losing weight now and be healthy. Sure, I’ve got some serious gains to make in the fitness stakes, but that’s a work in progress.

But I haven’t lost my 30kg. My goal was to go from 99 to 69, a number which I picked for no reason other than it was a kind of cool number. And 69 sounds better than in the 70s. I have been close to the 30+ crew and it’s a nice round number.

So I’m wondering if I’m deliberately self-sabotaging so that I’ll gain a little bit and then have to lose it again? I’ve got used to attacking my weight, and seeing a smaller number on the scale each week and I’m not sure my head is ready for the number to be the same each time. I haven’t really thought about what will happen when I get to goal. My goal weight is some weird far-away thing that I’ve never even got close to. I keep saying to myself I want to be a size 10, or an 8, but I don’t know if I do really. I think maybe a 12, and with a healthy body fat level and awesome level of fitness is where I really want to be.

As I read and digest what I’ve written I think that’s where I am. I want to sit somewhere around the size I am now, but a tighter, more toned version. If that’s heavier or lighter than what I weigh, so be it. I really think I’ll start working on maintenance mode from this time on.

The thing that’s really bugging me is that I feel like I’ve failed the 30+ crew. Those guys (and you lot who are in it!) have been amazingly supportive. They’ve kicked my arse on numerous occasions and been a shoulder to cry on on others. In my head I don’t want to stop before I get to 30kg lost because that will feel like I’m not one of the gang any more. While I’m still “losing” I can pretend that I belong.

I know that sounds sad and pathetic. I know I need to get over it. But knowing something and doing it are two different things, as we know, otherwise it would be easy.

Thanks for listening… xxxxx

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