I’ve been struggling lately with my food and exercise. I’m starting to overcome the exercise thing by attending more group activities. After saying last round I was going to cut back, I’ve realised it’s in my best interest to have a commitment to someone. Otherwise I just don’t do it.
So on the nutrition thing, I’ve been self sabotaging in a major way. McDonalds, alcohol, ice-cream etc. I know what I need to do, I know I just need to shut up and do it, but there’s a little voice in my head which has turned into an overwhelming roar that says “it doesn’t matter. You can have the <insert vice here> if you want”.
Today I’ve done some serious reflection on why it’s happening. And here’s what I think it is. Warning: this next part may induce hysterical laughter at just how messed up my thinking is…
Physically I’m smaller than I’ve ever been. I’m a size 12. By all measurements except my BMI I’m a healthy size. My body fat is in the normal range, my waist measurement is under 80cm, and while my BMI is over 25 it’s only 25.5. So realistically I could stop losing weight now and be healthy. Sure, I’ve got some serious gains to make in the fitness stakes, but that’s a work in progress.
But I haven’t lost my 30kg. My goal was to go from 99 to 69, a number which I picked for no reason other than it was a kind of cool number. And 69 sounds better than in the 70s. I have been close to the 30+ crew and it’s a nice round number.
So I’m wondering if I’m deliberately self-sabotaging so that I’ll gain a little bit and then have to lose it again? I’ve got used to attacking my weight, and seeing a smaller number on the scale each week and I’m not sure my head is ready for the number to be the same each time. I haven’t really thought about what will happen when I get to goal. My goal weight is some weird far-away thing that I’ve never even got close to. I keep saying to myself I want to be a size 10, or an 8, but I don’t know if I do really. I think maybe a 12, and with a healthy body fat level and awesome level of fitness is where I really want to be.
As I read and digest what I’ve written I think that’s where I am. I want to sit somewhere around the size I am now, but a tighter, more toned version. If that’s heavier or lighter than what I weigh, so be it. I really think I’ll start working on maintenance mode from this time on.
The thing that’s really bugging me is that I feel like I’ve failed the 30+ crew. Those guys (and you lot who are in it!) have been amazingly supportive. They’ve kicked my arse on numerous occasions and been a shoulder to cry on on others. In my head I don’t want to stop before I get to 30kg lost because that will feel like I’m not one of the gang any more. While I’m still “losing” I can pretend that I belong.
I know that sounds sad and pathetic. I know I need to get over it. But knowing something and doing it are two different things, as we know, otherwise it would be easy.
Thanks for listening… xxxxx