Unleashing My Inner Awesome

My "journey" through health, fitness and life in general

To This Day.

To this day. Someone linked me to this amazing poem by Shane Koyczan and I’m now sharing it with you. Because I can. Watch it all the way through please.

To this day, I mourn the years I lost to an emotionally abusive marriage, because I didn’t believe I deserved better.

To this day I remember watching the bullies at my school jumping up and down on the pencil case I painted because I had to run to my locker to get something, and wondering why they would do something like that, and why nobody stopped them.

To this day the flush of red whenever I feel that someone is belittling or humiliating me reminds me of the tablets I used to overdose on (just a little bit) so that I could get out of school because it was becoming overwhelming and it was either organise a day off or seriously consider how I was going to kill myself.

To this day I look at my husband with mistrust when he goes away for work because like my father when I was 7, I expect him to say I’ll be back and then just not come back. Ever.

To this day I laugh on the inside at people who tell me I’m motivating or amazing or powerful, because I know, deep down, on the inside, they’re wrong.

To this day I expect the world to wake up and realise I’m a fraud. Because for every single one of the impressionable years of my life and after I was told I was worthless or different or stupid, and you don’t grow up with something like that without it leaving scars.

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4 thoughts on “To This Day.

  1. Its a tough journey trying to hide those scars. Learning you are worth it, is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Thank you for sharing.

  2. Janet Watts on said:

    Oh Ruth I so hear you lovely lady. I watched this the other day with tears in my eyes as I realised how far I have traveled in just 5 mths since I saw you in Oct. You know I was in a pretty horrible place. It made me remember all the hurt from my emotionally and physically abusive relationship from my sister. How I had put up with it just because she was family. And the rejection from my father at 12 years old because he got a new family. And all the nasty comments from others, ‘you look fat in that’. So I became what they told me to be and how I should act. I was lucky to find a great strong man to support me for the last 30 years. However, he as hated the shit I have put up with from my family and how I have been treated by others. I too felt I wasn’t worthy had zero self esteem and zero self worth from putting up with it all. This meant I would bend over backwards for anyone, who would then use me, abuse me and then hurt me. So I was seeking approval from my sister and others because I feared the rejection. In the end 12 mths ago I was bullied so badly or I woke up to it finally, that I took a stand to do something about it. Stupidly I thought losing the weight would help me, make people treat me better and I passed that message over to my girls. But loosing 28 kilos I wasn’t fixed, nor did people treat me any better. Emazon helped me to see I was always strong and I should use that inner strength to change my belief systems and rebuild my life. I had done nothing wrong to anyone but treat them with love, trust and respect. So recently my decisions may have seemed harsh to some but for me they were about me letting go of the past and focusing on the present. For the first time in my life I put me first. It felt incredibly scary but yet it was the bravest thing I have ever done and it has been so worth it. Yes people have moved away from me and some have changed with me but now I am also attracting he right kind of people and my life is getting more fulfilled each and every day. I was also too scared to admit my successes for fear of others rejecting me, so I would hide and be invisible. I am trying really hard to say it out load, so I see it and believe it. I am incredibly proud that since Oct I have lost a further 10 kilo, from just believing in myself, listening to my Red self. I wouldn’t admit to being there yet but I think and feel I am getting there. Changing those beliefs systems was so hard but yet so worth it.
    We cannot let the bullies win. I have to change it for my kids, for them to go strong and resilient. Over the past 5 mths I have learnt that everyday people do and say things to use that may hurt us, this is often our own perception of that at that present time. It may be our own issues and not as intended that way by that person. So if we have a particular concern we can choose to run with it and take it on board or we can choose to Stand, acknowledge it and ask for clarity, usually that can be all it takes to sort out. Or we can then learn our fears where right which will help with the choices we make. I have learnt that often letting go is the best option, as me just being me is more important and if people have an issue with that it is about them not me, which helps too. I am choosing that I deserve happiness, freedom and peace in my life. So I accept I can’t change me nor would I want to be any different, will still live by my morals but now I expect the same off others. Thank you for sharing Ruth 🙂

  3. Reblogged this on sherryfletcher and commented:
    Everyone needs to watch and listen to this…..

  4. Allison Farr on said:

    Laugh away on the inside cause I think your pretty amazing.

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