Unleashing My Inner Awesome

My "journey" through health, fitness and life in general

Where do I go from here?

I’ve been struggling lately with my food and exercise. I’m starting to overcome the exercise thing by attending more group activities. After saying last round I was going to cut back, I’ve realised it’s in my best interest to have a commitment to someone. Otherwise I just don’t do it.

So on the nutrition thing, I’ve been self sabotaging in a major way. McDonalds, alcohol, ice-cream etc. I know what I need to do, I know I just need to shut up and do it, but there’s a little voice in my head which has turned into an overwhelming roar that says “it doesn’t matter. You can have the <insert vice here> if you want”.

Today I’ve done some serious reflection on why it’s happening. And here’s what I think it is. Warning: this next part may induce hysterical laughter at just how messed up my thinking is…

Physically I’m smaller than I’ve ever been. I’m a size 12. By all measurements except my BMI I’m a healthy size. My body fat is in the normal range, my waist measurement is under 80cm, and while my BMI is over 25 it’s only 25.5. So realistically I could stop losing weight now and be healthy. Sure, I’ve got some serious gains to make in the fitness stakes, but that’s a work in progress.

But I haven’t lost my 30kg. My goal was to go from 99 to 69, a number which I picked for no reason other than it was a kind of cool number. And 69 sounds better than in the 70s. I have been close to the 30+ crew and it’s a nice round number.

So I’m wondering if I’m deliberately self-sabotaging so that I’ll gain a little bit and then have to lose it again? I’ve got used to attacking my weight, and seeing a smaller number on the scale each week and I’m not sure my head is ready for the number to be the same each time. I haven’t really thought about what will happen when I get to goal. My goal weight is some weird far-away thing that I’ve never even got close to. I keep saying to myself I want to be a size 10, or an 8, but I don’t know if I do really. I think maybe a 12, and with a healthy body fat level and awesome level of fitness is where I really want to be.

As I read and digest what I’ve written I think that’s where I am. I want to sit somewhere around the size I am now, but a tighter, more toned version. If that’s heavier or lighter than what I weigh, so be it. I really think I’ll start working on maintenance mode from this time on.

The thing that’s really bugging me is that I feel like I’ve failed the 30+ crew. Those guys (and you lot who are in it!) have been amazingly supportive. They’ve kicked my arse on numerous occasions and been a shoulder to cry on on others. In my head I don’t want to stop before I get to 30kg lost because that will feel like I’m not one of the gang any more. While I’m still “losing” I can pretend that I belong.

I know that sounds sad and pathetic. I know I need to get over it. But knowing something and doing it are two different things, as we know, otherwise it would be easy.

Thanks for listening… xxxxx

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3 thoughts on “Where do I go from here?

  1. I totally understand and get where you are coming from lately I have let my food go and am barely exercising. I am here if you want to catch up for a coffee and talk. It seems when I’m so close to goal and after all my hard work I go back to old vices and start sabotaging myself. Love ya Ruth!!!

  2. Damn. I wrote a big reply and it disappeared. Stupid iPhone! Basically I know how you feel, it seems the closer I get to goal the more I sabotage. If you want to catch up for a coffee and chat that would be awesome. Love ya Ruth

  3. Ruth – only YOU can decide where/how you want to look at the end of this journey. Some people assume if you have a lot of weight to lose, then the end result needs to be an 8 or 10, something quite small. I never really had a fixed number in my head, like you, I just pulled one out of thin air that I though could be good to aim for.

    I have had a bit of a mixed week as far as my nutrition goes – a bit of the old ‘I can have this treat’ etc, many times!! Actually, if the truth be told, there was a bit of it creeping in last week too. That’s the first time in 10 months, I’ve really gone off the rails in a big way.

    I am in a maintanance zone too I think, or almost, or maybe, or I don’t really know……hehehe!!! People keep saying ‘don’t lose any more weight’ but there are areas I want to ‘tone’ and so I think to do that = more weight loss, more crazy hour sessions, more running, boot camp, gym classes etc. What I have realised, is that to get to the finished product I want, it will require finally getting into the weights etc, which actually could mean a some weight GAIN as lean muscle is put on. I don’t really know, but will be having my first session with a trainer this coming week, and she wants to do weights!!! We are working on the loose skin under and on my arms and a few other spots. So I’m focusing now as much as I can to stop focusing on the scales, rather on my measurements. I want to tone and tighten, and get rid of some flabby bits on my tummy and thighs.

    Everyone constantly is re-assessing their goals, and if you decide to pull up stumps just short of the 30kg mark, NONE of us will think any less of you for it, as that is where you are happy with your body. You never know, you might get into more toning etc, and decide you do want to drop a few more anyway! And you know now you can do it if you want to! The challenge for us now will be in not getting complacent where we are, as I know for me, that is a sure fire way to put it all back on – and after carrying those 2 X 20kg plates this morning- I never want to be there again!!

    I think you are quite fabulous!!! xxx

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