Unleashing My Inner Awesome

My "journey" through health, fitness and life in general

Archive for the month “March, 2012”

Where do I go from here?

I’ve been struggling lately with my food and exercise. I’m starting to overcome the exercise thing by attending more group activities. After saying last round I was going to cut back, I’ve realised it’s in my best interest to have a commitment to someone. Otherwise I just don’t do it.

So on the nutrition thing, I’ve been self sabotaging in a major way. McDonalds, alcohol, ice-cream etc. I know what I need to do, I know I just need to shut up and do it, but there’s a little voice in my head which has turned into an overwhelming roar that says “it doesn’t matter. You can have the <insert vice here> if you want”.

Today I’ve done some serious reflection on why it’s happening. And here’s what I think it is. Warning: this next part may induce hysterical laughter at just how messed up my thinking is…

Physically I’m smaller than I’ve ever been. I’m a size 12. By all measurements except my BMI I’m a healthy size. My body fat is in the normal range, my waist measurement is under 80cm, and while my BMI is over 25 it’s only 25.5. So realistically I could stop losing weight now and be healthy. Sure, I’ve got some serious gains to make in the fitness stakes, but that’s a work in progress.

But I haven’t lost my 30kg. My goal was to go from 99 to 69, a number which I picked for no reason other than it was a kind of cool number. And 69 sounds better than in the 70s. I have been close to the 30+ crew and it’s a nice round number.

So I’m wondering if I’m deliberately self-sabotaging so that I’ll gain a little bit and then have to lose it again? I’ve got used to attacking my weight, and seeing a smaller number on the scale each week and I’m not sure my head is ready for the number to be the same each time. I haven’t really thought about what will happen when I get to goal. My goal weight is some weird far-away thing that I’ve never even got close to. I keep saying to myself I want to be a size 10, or an 8, but I don’t know if I do really. I think maybe a 12, and with a healthy body fat level and awesome level of fitness is where I really want to be.

As I read and digest what I’ve written I think that’s where I am. I want to sit somewhere around the size I am now, but a tighter, more toned version. If that’s heavier or lighter than what I weigh, so be it. I really think I’ll start working on maintenance mode from this time on.

The thing that’s really bugging me is that I feel like I’ve failed the 30+ crew. Those guys (and you lot who are in it!) have been amazingly supportive. They’ve kicked my arse on numerous occasions and been a shoulder to cry on on others. In my head I don’t want to stop before I get to 30kg lost because that will feel like I’m not one of the gang any more. While I’m still “losing” I can pretend that I belong.

I know that sounds sad and pathetic. I know I need to get over it. But knowing something and doing it are two different things, as we know, otherwise it would be easy.

Thanks for listening… xxxxx

Dreeeeaaaaam, Dream Dream Dream…

I’ve never been a superstitious person. I don’t believe in ghosts, or premonitions. I can walk under ladders and pat black cats until the cows come home. Which is why the dream I had last night, when I sat and thought about it, was all the more interesting. I’ve read dream interpretation books and websites and thought to myself “yeah, whatever”. But this time…

I’ll preface this by saying that my clean eating, exercising pattern has gone a bit off the rails this week. And last week if I’m honest. Eating out, way too many calories, and apart from a couple of killer sessions on the weekend with an awesome bunch of people, pretty much no exercise at all. Obviously that’s been playing on my mind a bit.

I dreamt I had a new baby. Now before you all oooh and aaah, it’s not going to happen, OK? Ever. Let’s just clarify that. It was a DREAM! So after a relatively easy labour and delivery, she was there, a perfect, rose-lipped little baby girl. I knew I had to feed her, so I started trying but she wasn’t really interested. She knew she wanted it and was crying a bit, but she couldn’t get her head around how to do it. And for me, it all became too hard.

So I gave up, left her lying in the middle of the bed, and left. I went out for lunch with my husband. I don’t remember what we ate, but I do remember that it was really good. After lunch I remembered my baby, and realised I had to get back to her because everyone would disapprove strongly of my neglect. I found my way back to the hospital with no problems, but when I tried to get back to my ward and bed there were a million and one obstacles in my way, corridors and walls where there weren’t any before, and I couldn’t find her. And then I woke up…

Now, in my mind my baby is representative of my new body. And even the easy delivery is symbolic. I’ve actually found losing weight to be relatively easy this time. Sure, the workouts have been challenging. But the just saying no part? My head seems (until now) to be dealing with that quite nicely. I’ve lost something in the order of 25kg in about 6 months. I’ve been trying, but it really wasn’t the drama that it has been in the past.

But when it came to maintaining my brand new body, I couldn’t be bothered putting in the required effort, and just gave up. And then I could ‘t find it again. Pretty obvious, huh? Well let me tell you, Universe. That ain’t gonna happen! It’s a dream, not a premonition. It’s a warning of what could happen if I don’t pay attention, not what will happen. And when I consider it in the cold light of day, I’m enjoying my life the way it is way too much to go back to how I was before.

So on that note, I’ve just printed out today’s gym program, and I’m about to head down there. I had a quick sneaky peek and it looks pretty damn hard, but that serves me right for being a slacker. After that I’m going to have a nice, healthy, SMALL lunch, and then work this afternoon to distract me. And tomorrow? Rinse, repeat. For the rest of my life.

I had a bit of a moment, but I’ve got this, people. It’s all good.

A very enlightening day

Today I spent some time with the gorgeous Louise from Emotive Images. She’s working on a photography project involving a bunch of women who have made life-changing decisions which I am an excited, proud and slightly nervous participant in. Today was my turn to spend some time at the studio for our initial interview.

Those of you who know me well know that I like to talk. You also know that I rarely talk about myself, at least not in that revealing, let-the-world-know-what-I’m-thinking-or-feeling way. So today was an interesting experience, one involving much reflection in the car on the way home. I have a feeling that the reflection is going to continue for a long time as well.

Without giving too much away (you will all see the results of the project, I promise!) Louise asked me to find something about myself to use as the theme for our photo shoot. I was initially thinking very literally, and visualising something around my cars, my family, the fact that I now run and cycle (I’m a freaking triathlete, for goodness’ sake!), that sort of thing. But as we talked and Louise got deeper into the me that I thought I successfully hid under my exterior (did I mention she’s got a degree in Psychology???) I realised that wouldn’t give an insight into the person I was, nor the person I am now. It’s what I do, it’s not who I am.

Who I am now is someone who is a weird conflicting blend of confidence and uncertainty. I feel better physically than I ever have. I can do things I never dreamt possible for myself, and I am no longer embarrassed to be seen in public. But inside I feel like the biggest person in the room, because that’s who I’ve grown up as. I have been overweight and then obese all of my adult life. I have fluctuated between mildly and seriously overweight, but I have never before been at a healthy body fat level or weight.

My problem at the moment is that I don’t know what I look like. The talk on the 12WBT forums among those of us who have a smaller amount to lose, and those who are just starting, is around goal weights. Others talk about the weight they felt comfortable in their own skin, or the weight they were at a size 8/10/12/whatever as being their goal. Or a level of body fat when they could function at their optimum level. I’ve never been there. I’ve never been at a healthy BMI, or a “normal” size. What is normal anyway? I have absolutely no frame of reference for what I will look like when I get to where I’m going, and consequently I don’t know where I’m going! To top it off my biological parents have not been in my life since I was 4, so I can’t look at the gene pool either.

All the self-help gurus and experts say if you don’t have a goal to aim towards you won’t know when you get there. Well I honestly don’t know what my body shape goal is, but I’m pretty sure I will know when I get there. At least I hope I will. I’m working on the theory that with healthy diet and exercise I’m currently still losing weight, so I hope my body will tell me when it gets closer and start slowing down. And who knows, that could be very soon! As of yesterday I officially have only 1.3kg to lose to get to a healthy BMI. That’s exciting! I’m also in the healthy body fat range (admittedly at the upper end). So I’m getting to the point where I have to decide what to do next. Until now my focus has been on losing weight, I think now it’s time to start to try and find out who I really am. Not what I do, not who I love, but about me.

Oh, and the photo shoot. You all want to know what my theme is, don’t you? You’ll just have to wait…

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